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The Leden

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29th January 2007

6:04am: And now, a break from the drama
I got an email from College Board saying to use the mycollegequickstart or whatever to help myself score better on the PSAT.

Yeah. Sure.

The next email came from... Carleton college?

These guys are arrogant.

It starts off with a tag that goes like this:

"There's a word for people like you.


I have a problem with it right there. They're trying to woo me with false compliments, trying to usher me into whatever little program they have set up... to top it off, it's in large, orange font, friendly, inviting.

I continue on.

The email says I'm smart two or three more times (or the things that I do are smart). It also lists reasons why I should go to their college.


If I'm that smart, I wouldn't go to Carleton.

It doesn't even spell right.

Next email was from University of Washington. They had a different approach; they wrote an email on the importance of college, and the importance of choosing a good location for you. Of course they then plugged their own location, or they wouldn't have any benefit in writing it, but... Overall, nicer than Carleton. And at least they can spell right.

College Board must have done something recently, because I have a third email. University of Evansville... what? Never heard of them. The whole email was self-praise on miniscule things - "Listed in the top three schools nationally for the percentage of students who studied abroad," and other things like that. It was all "we're the best, go to us..." and ends with this.

"Your recent scores on the PSAT indicate you have been a successful student, the kind of student who will do well at UE. "

While it's true that a successful student will probably do well at UE...

...wouldn't one do well anywhere?

Oh well.

28th January 2007

9:31pm: Yeah.

I could type a rant...

...but I have class.

26th January 2007

5:42am: Hm.

21st January 2007

3:28pm: What do I know?
I don't know much.

I know that movies have happy endings.

I know that motherfuckers need to die.

Have you ever thought about terms like that? Motherfucker, just something people say as a name for some other person. But think about it.

Mother fucker.

One who fucks his own mother.

That's just wrong.

Dumbass, Goddamn (not wrong, but how many people know what they're saying...), assrape, countless others I can't remember.


18th January 2007

10:23pm: Long week is long
Tomorrow's Friday. It's all over.

In more than one way.

Fifteen months are gone, in one way.

The longest week of my life is over, in another.

My reason for living is fading, but not quite gone. Not quite, eh.

Long week is long. Today is the second longest day, just behind... Monday? When I woke up at 4 AM and didn't sleep until eleven or midnight or something. It's been a terrible week.

Strangely happy today.

When it's the worst day of all.

I can't help but think that if I didn't go to Amber's livejournal, if her account didn't autosignin and if I didn't read that entry, either none of this would have happened (as in I blew it all out of proportion when I read the entry), or I'd be completely oblivious as to why it was happening (though I suppose she'd've told me eventually. Yeah).

So here I am. I don't know what to think. I just got off the phone with Amber, same as normal; we spent the evening on AIM, same as normal. We even did a sortof cyber thing, but only sort of because we didn't want to devalue things by cybering when we were broken up. Then we had a pantsless party on the phone...

...so confused at what to think. We love each other still, I don't know why we're broken up. Well, I do. It's just not a good reason to me. Still, who am I to judge? I only think it's not a good reason because I personally wouldn't do it. Maybe I would if I had four or five girls who wanted me. I can't say. I think I'm loyal enough... but am I really that strong-willed? It must be hard to force yourself to stay with me.

I'm going to try to take this as slowly as I can. Gonna go like I always do, take it slowly...

/*All along [still] it was the geto, nothing but the geto
Takin short steps one foot at a time and keep my head low
And never let go
cause if I let go, then I'll be spineless
I'm goin' INSANE!*/

I'll be spinless, I'm going INSANE.
6:45pm: Scratch that
It's not natural for me to have a girlfriend.
6:05am: Optimism
It's not my nature (almost typed mature instead of my nature) to be an optimist, but then again, two years ago it wasn't in my nature to have a girlfriend. (If that's something you'd call natural.) I think I could sure TRY this whole Optimism thing.

I'm not really sure how, though. I'd need a mentor. I get too wound up over too small of things - I need someone to teach me how to forget everything that's going on, and just chillax.

I've been wanting to use that word for days.

I'm sure if I weren't so tired, I'd be pretty happy right now. As it is, the weight of my watch is hurting my arm, typing this.

My necklace broke. That's a shame, because it was actually sentimental to me. I don't know where the string went, either so I can't fix it - I just have the little red diamond. My neck feels so bare.

I'm thinking of trying my hand at poetry. I don't really get how it works. I might need a teacher for that, too. I can do the whole rhyming words thing but the other kind, that involves mainly fragmenting sentences and using improper grammar, is a mystery to me.

I could totally try haiku.

Maybe in my WNB, in English. Yeah.


Love, Michael

15th January 2007

7:13pm: Lies
What's a lie,
what's a truth,
and what's a truth that's merely bent?

/*All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places,
Worn out faces,*/

If something that was true
is no longer true
does it make it a lie?

/*Bright and early for the daily races,
Going nowhere,
Going nowhere,*/

If something that was true only for you
becomes true for other people
does it make you less important?

/*Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression,
No expression,*/

What's the point?

/*Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow,
No tomorrow,*/

Everything's so sad. I can see my life
going down, just... down. Dying.
My reason for existence.

/*And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had*/

Things are slipping away. I was so happy.
Things were great for me, just less so for
others, I guess. I always felt so warm, secure.

/*I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles,
It's a very very*/

It's a messed up place, this Earth. We only
have a limited time on it, make it count, yeah?
Why can't I?

It's a very very fucked up

/*Mad World*/

14th July 2006

7:11pm: Guilt.

Well, I got out of camping. I wouldn't call it got out of. I'd call it being depressed until my mom decided something was wrong with me and convinced my dad I shouldn't go.

So they gave me a choice.

I probably made the wrong one.

I think the root of my depression, the root of my sadness, is guilt. I've let people down - most recently my father. I told him I didn't want to be in the OA. He didn't sign me up for the OA camping trip. I do think he wants me to be in it, though, so now I feel guilty for saying that, even if it's true.


And after my shower, I have a different feeling. I talked to my mom. She talked SENSE into me. She helped me.

I still feel guilty. But I feel okay about it. I still have a choice to make, though. Should I register for the OA camping trip and go with my dad, or take advantage of the fact I'm not registered and go to a concert with Amber? I was kind of brought up thinking concerts were important. I say kind of - it wasn't a value instilled into me, but every time my dad talks about going to a concert with my mom it's a kind of revered talking.

I don't know... I'll think on it, though. I have until Monday, either way.

3:32pm: Howdy.

I'm Michael.

Of course I am. This is Michael's livejournal, isn't it.

It's been a long time. I remember that November post. That was one of the happiest times of my life...

I'm not here to reminisce, though. I'm here to post something. Something meaningful.

I'm sad. Depressed. Frustrated? One of those. It's hard being me, but I don't know why. I'm not sure if it's stress causing it, hormones, as Amber said, or something else completely unrelated. It's probably my fault, though. If it is stress, is it recent stress? What's stressed me recently? Or is it built up stress over the years? Or is it just some inner wall breaking and I'm just not able to handle things I used to be able to?

Hm. Needless to say, this isn't one of the happiest times of my life. I don't know why, but today seems especially bad. Maybe camping will be good for me. Maybe it will keep my mind off of things long enough for my thoughts to settle down.

Maybe it will just give me time to think over things more and find the root of my depression.

Maybe I'll just get more depressed.

I don't know.

I want Amber. Right now.


13th November 2005

7:59pm: Mmm
There's a first time for everything.

17th October 2005

9:09pm: BAH
Bah Humbug!


Black and White 2
DVORAK keyboard

2nd June 2005

4:28pm: Japan update
By the way, Japan is this Saturday. I'll keep a journal while I'm there so I have something to post about it when we get back.

1st June 2005

1:53pm: Summers Japan

I'll be heading to Japan sometime soon - now that Vidd has told me about the Pepsi lids I'll be most definitely getting a lot of them. Don't know exactly when I'm leaving but it's within the next week. This'll be a fun trip.

When I get back, I'll have a few days, then I'll be off to scout camp. This means I won't see some of you for like a month :'(

I'll miss ya'll.

@Vicki: I'll bring you back... some sushi or something.

24th May 2005

4:36pm: Two things
1) Monday went by uneventfully.
2) Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, one concieved in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing wether that nation or any nation so concieved and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come today to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those who gave their lives so that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we do this.

But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate - cannot consecrate - cannot hallow, these grounds. It has already been done by those who have struggled here, living and dead, and is far above our poor power to add or detract. Rather, it is dedicated to us, for the great task lying before us, so that these men shall not have died in vain. So that this government by the people, for the people, shall not perish from this earth.

Oh god, I messed that up... Gotta learn it by tomorrow!

22nd May 2005

4:58pm: Doctor
Turns out I've got a doctor's appointment next week =O

Can you guess when it is?!?

That's right, tuesday morning!

10th May 2005

4:11pm: Stealing Amber's Thingy
You scored 72% social worth, 72% activity, 76% critical reasoning, and 52% awareness!

You are a fairly interactive person and a moderately active force in
society, also possessing admiral skills in critical reasoning. These
are all well and good, but unfortunately you lack a great amount of
perceptiveness or a good grasp of current events. At least you are not
a waste of space!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 48% on social worth
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 63% on activity
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 48% on critical reason
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 24% on awareness
Link: The Are You A Waste of Space? Test written by LacedWithASmile on OkCupid Free Online Dating

4th May 2005

7:02pm: WhOOPS/!
7:02pm: Darn :(
7:01pm: :(

3rd May 2005

10:53pm: Testing out a new application for Firefox that lets me post from anywhere on the web.  If you're reading this now, it works.

30th April 2005

10:29pm: Hitchhiker
The movie wasn't very consistent with the book but it was still good.

Oh, by the way, Zippoc.com is updated. Check it out.

25th April 2005

7:48pm: Brian
Brian was banned from oGame.
That's what you get for multiaccounting ;)

23rd April 2005

10:55pm: Haven't said it in a while...
April 29, 2005.
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